Not feeling very good physically these days which affects my mental well being (constantly thinking to myself: was HSCT worth it? is that all - two months feeling great, and now back to where I was?).  Legs are stiff, weak, and 'loud'.  Feeling tired.   I believe this is no more than the post-HSCT roller coaster I've read about, amplified by the sickness I got (a cold).   But that doesn't make it any easier to endure.  My advice to everybody post-HSCT: try to avoid getting sick.  It wasn't a severe sickness, since I was able to recover without having to go to the hospital - but it still made me feel very shitty, and I lost some strength gains and 2 weeks of exercising.   My physical therapist said that some of my strength is still there, but I sure did (and still do) feel rotten.  My legs are prone to "locking out"(when I walk) a lot these days, so the first order of business for me is to get them stronger to reduce, and possibly eliminate, the frequency of them locking-out.  That will improve my mobility, and walking confidence.

 I've been told that the first six months post-HSCT are the most difficult, and that any sustained improvement will likely not (if at all) take place until 18-24 months after HSCT.  I believed (and acted / expected as much) that if I just rested and ate, HSCT would quickly fix me like magic.  I finally accepted - after some good conversations with a few people close to me and with myself - that this is not true.  For me, HSCT was the easy part - I rested and let the drugs do the work.  Now, I have to do the work.  And there is lots to be done.  And, the science says that HSCT stops you from getting worse, and any healing is a bonus.  I need to reel in my expectations a little, keep thinking positively, and be patient.  And be patient.  And be patient.

--------------------

Exercise

Feb 6: treadmill walk 10 min; elliptical machine 10 mins
Feb 7: treadmill walk 10 min; elliptical machine 10 mins
Feb 8: treadmill walk 20 min

Feb 9:
(1) marching 3 x 10 each leg (hold for 2 sec. at top)          
(2) stepback lunge 3 x 20 (10 per leg)
(3) calve raises on stairs 3 x 10
(4) toe raises on stairs 3 x 10

Feb 10:
Morning
Physical therapy.  My legs were shaking & quivering like it was my first physio session
Afternoon
(1) calve & hamstring stretching
(2) toe raises on stairs - 4 x 10
(3) pedal machine 10 minutes

Feb 11 (3 months since Day 0):
Walked 1/2 mile on treadmill (1/4 in the morning, 1/4 in the afternoon - took 13 minutes each 1/4 mile at speed setting of 1.2)

Feb 12:
Physio

Tomorrow have an appointment with my Hematologist.  I am interested to find out what, if any, affect my cold had in the immune system indicators in my blood.

--------------------------

My life has been a series of very fortunate events and lucky bounces.  I have a great wife, great children, great friends, and a good job, which together provide a solid foundation for a great (and steady) life.  When bad or unlucky bounces happen what I usually do is shrug them off and just say to myself "I guess it wasn't meant to be", or "Don't worry about it, it will all work out in the end (even Steven!)" or "It will turn up somewhere, don't sweat it".   And every time, things just seem to work out okay.  I've never really had to work hard for anything, I have just kind of 'fallen' into good things.  This HSCT for MS thing is entirely different.  Yes, I am very lucky to have been able to have HSCT, but now the proverbial ball is in my court, and I can't do what I usually do and just let the chips fall where they may.  I have to do something about it (i.e. put in the necessary work), or all the time and money invested in HSCT will have been wasted.  This is new for me, and is providing a significant challenge mentally.  But at least I have finally realized it.